Spanky by Christopher Fowler

Author:Christopher Fowler [Fowler, Christopher]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Hydra
Published: 2017-05-09T14:00:00+00:00

Chapter 19

Reparation

It hurts to recall what happened next, just when things were going so well.

It started on a Monday morning in the last week of October. Sarah had stayed at her own apartment the night before, and for once I had enjoyed a good night’s sleep. I slapped my alarm off at 7.40 a.m., slipped into a white towelling robe and headed downstairs to collect the milk. There was a letter on the doormat, a plain white envelope addressed to me in script. Fountain pen, violet ink. No stamp, which was odd.

I unsealed the envelope and shook out a single sheet of thick white paper. It looked like a typed, itemized bill. No return address.

It read as follows:

For the Personal Attention of Martyn Ross

INVOICE

For Providing the Following Services:

Improvement of Subject’s Career Prospects

Blinding of Darryl Smart 170.00

Removal of Paul Deakin 220.00

Influencing Neville Syms 105.00

Influencing Max Deakin 144.00

Reconstruction of Subject’s Family Life

Breakup of father’s extra-marital relationship 63.00

Weight-loss of sister/improved social life 58.00

Rejuvenation of parents’ marriage 218.00

* Sundry expenses, accommodation, travel 274.00

[Itemized receipts available on request]

Personal Growth/Improvement of Subject’s life

New wardrobe/dress sense 82.00

Creation of sexual charisma 136.00

Provision of new apartment 292.00

Conversational ability/charm 45.00

Personality enhancement 63.00

Heightening of senses 34.00

Improving general standard of life 70.00

Spending money, sundries 124.00

The following amount is now due: 2,098.00

My first thought was that Spanky had left behind a kind of delayed-reaction joke. Then I wondered if someone was trying to blackmail me. But who would be so jealous of my new-found success? Darryl? Max’s son? The paper held no clue to the identity of the sender. It had to be from Spanky. Who else knew so much about the last few weeks?

I examined the sheet again. Yes, that was it. It had to be a practical joke.

‘No joke, I’m afraid.’

Spanky was leaning against the doorframe in a red T-shirt, black lounge suit and zip-boots, cleaning his nails with a toothpick. ‘Are you making coffee?’

He picked up the milk bottle on the doormat and passed it to me. I was pleased to see him, but apprehensive. He followed me through to the kitchen and watched as I filled the kettle.

‘So what the hell is it?’ I asked.

‘What does it look like? My bill. For services rendered.’

‘Bill? You never mentioned any payment for what you did. What currency is this to be paid in, anyway? Pounds? Dollars? Yen?’

‘They’re not monetary units. I don’t accept cash. Don’t worry, you have twenty-four hours to pay in full.’

Hadn’t Spanky told me he’d wanted to help just for the pleasure of doing so, or words to that effect? I wished I could remember the specific conversation. A sickness began swirling around in the pit of my stomach.

‘I don’t understand your attitude, Martyn.’

Spanky was pacing back and forth by the kitchen table, his left eye screwed up in puzzlement. ‘Do you really think you can get something for nothing these days? Nobody gets something for nothing, surely common sense tells you that.’

‘You wanted to help me,’ I said lamely.

‘That’s right, I did want to help you.’

‘Then why are you demanding payment now?’

‘Martyn, I sold you my services.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.